By Karin Kassab, LCSW, LPC, PhD
Your kid brings home the first big grade of the year. And you immediately say "you're so smart!" without even thinking about it, because it's true and because it's the fastest way to say you're proud. That's completely normal, but what you may not know is that this may not be a harmless phrase. Said often enough, in ordinary moments like this one, it's actually contributing to what psychologists call a fixed mindset. A fixed mindset is the belief that ability is something you either have or you don't, rather than something you build through effort.
The alternative to a fixed mindset is a growth mindset, the belief that ability comes from effort and practice, so a setback just means you're not done yet rather than proof you're not capable. Kids with a growth mindset get better grades, stick with hard things longer, and are more willing to attempt something difficult instead of avoiding it because they are afraid of failing.
Here's the part that surprises parents: which mindset your kid builds has less to do with talks about effort and a lot more to do with the specific words parents use in ordinary moments like the one above. "You're so smart" and "you worked really hard on that" sound like similarly nice things to say. These two phrases actually teach your kid two different lessons: one says ability is fixed and either there or not, while the other says ability is something they're building.
None of this means you should stop celebrating when your kid does well. Recognition still matters, and kids need to hear that their effort is noticed and that you're proud of them. What changes is what you praise and how you phrase it, since those specific words are what tip the message toward fixed or growth. Here's what you can say instead that makes the difference.
What to Say To Build a Growth Mindset
When you want to compliment your child, be sure to praise the effort instead of the trait. Here's what that looks like in practice.
|
Instead of this |
Try this |
Why it lands differently |
|
“You're so smart!” |
“You really stuck with that even when it got hard.” |
Smart is a label. Sticking with something is a move your kid can make again on purpose. |
|
“You're a natural at this.” |
“Look how much better you got with practice.” |
“Natural” implies no effort was involved, which is a strange thing to reward if you want more effort. |
|
“Don't worry, you'll get an A next time.” |
“What do you think happened here, and what might you try differently?” |
The first shuts the conversation down. The second treats your kid like someone who can actually solve the problem. |
|
“You didn't even have to study.” |
“What you did to prepare for that clearly worked.” |
The first quietly punishes studying next time. The second reinforces the exact behavior you want repeated. |
What to Do When Your Kid Fails at Something
A kid with a fixed mindset who gets a bad grade concludes "I'm bad at math." A kid with a growth mindset who gets the same bad grade concludes "I didn't study the right way for this test." Both kids are suffering from the same outcome, but have completely different mindset towards it. And this mindset is what determines whether they try again or give up.
When your kid comes home with a bad grade or a rough day, resist the urge to either panic or to reassure them that it doesn't matter. When you panic, you are teaching your kid that the grade itself is a crisis, and when you reassure them it doesn’t matter, you miss the opportunity to teach your kid to figure out what happened and what to try differently next time.
Instead, ask what they think went wrong and what they'd do differently. This works because it treats the outcome as something your kid had a hand in and can change through effort or strategy, rather than as a fixed verdict on whether they're smart enough.
You don't have to completely change how you talk to your kid overnight. Catching yourself and changing your praises even half the time is enough to start shifting things.
If your child tends to shut down or melt down around mistakes and you want more support putting this into practice, child therapy or teen therapy can help build these skills with actual practice.
Don't give up on this because you slip back into "good job, smarty" sometimes. Nobody does this perfectly, and consistency matters more than getting it right every time.
If you want extra hands helping your kid build this skill, schedule an appointment with our team and we'll take it from there.
Karin Kassab, is a Psychologist and founder of Clarity Counseling Center in Wilmington, NC. This article is for educational purposes only and does not constitute personal medical advice. If you or someone you care about is in crisis, please call or text 988.
