By Karin Kassab, LPA
When your child comes home upset about a friend, you may feel a strong urge to fix it. You may be tempted to tell them exactly what to say to their friend, or to hand them a plan for how to handle it tomorrow. You might be right about all of it, but you may notice your child going quiet the moment you step in to help.
Think about the best coach you ever had. That coach probably listened a lot, cheered you on and let you figure things out for yourself. You can coach your child through friendship problems the same way, by listening more than you talk, supporting them without taking over and letting them find their own way to make things right.
Listen more than you talk
Active listening means you come into the conversation without an agenda and without trying to fix anything. You’re there as a sounding board while your child works through what happened. That may mean sitting through some silence, or a story that wanders before it gets to the point.
You may find it hard to stay quiet when you can see where the story is headed. When you hold back, though, your child has to do the thinking, and they may find a solution on their own. That’s even better, because your child may care more about a plan they came up with and be more likely to follow through on it.
You can practice this in everyday conversations, too. Try these listening tips below.
- Pause before you answer so your child can finish their thought.
- Hold off on summarizing until they’re done talking.
- Ask follow-up questions before you share your opinion.
Support your child without running the friendship
The second habit is confidence with some humility. Picture yourself cheering from the side of a marathon route. You’re there to support your child while they run the race.
That also means you don’t have to treat your child’s friendship troubles as a grade on your parenting. Your child is working through something hard, and you’re there to help.
Humility also means you stay open to feedback on your own coaching. If your partner or your child tells you that you came on strong, or that they needed quiet, you can use that to adjust next time.
Let your child work their way to the apology
Say your child did something unkind to a classmate. You may want to go straight to “You need to apologize.” If you rush to that step, you may skip the parts that help your child learn. First, your child needs to feel safe enough to tell you what happened. Then they can think through the problem and come up with their own way to make it right. The apology may still happen, and it may mean more when your child realizes that on their own.
Common questions about coaching your child
Q: What if my child doesn’t want to talk about it?
A: Many kids need some time before they’re ready to talk about a hard day with a friend. Try again later, at a calmer moment, and keep the conversation short. Spending easy time together first, like playing a game or going for a walk, may make your child more willing to open up.
Q: Should I still tell my child what they did wrong?
A: There may be times when your child needs to hear that something they did hurt a friend or crossed a line. Your child may take it in better once they feel listened to, so try hearing their side first and sharing your view after.
Q: Does this work for teens too?
A: The same habits apply to teenagers too. Teens may push back harder when you tell them what to do, so listening may help even more with a teenager.
Clarity Counseling Center has more than 40 clinicians in Wilmington, including therapists who work with children, teens and families. Contact our office today, and one of our therapist-matchmakers would be happy to help you find the right fit.
