Self-Care During Motherhood
One of the questions I get asked a lot is, “How am I supposed to take time for myself as a mother?” At our counseling center, we believe self-care is pivotal for maternal mental health. As mothers, we often give all of ourselves to our children to make sure their needs and wants are met, which doesn’t leave much time for us, as individuals, to meet our own needs. When we do take the time to engage in activities we enjoy — such as exercising, reading a book, or coffee with a friend — we feel guilty that we aren’t engaging with our children during that time. So, what do we do about this? How do we balance our needs with those of our children?
According to the Oxford English Dictionary, self-care is “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own wellbeing and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” Think about what you hear every time you fly on a plane. The flight attendant instructs that, as a parent, you should secure your own oxygen mask before putting one on your child. We cannot care for others if we do not first care for ourselves. Our Clarity Counseling Center specialists believe self-care is an active process and a necessary part of protecting one’s personal wellbeing.
Taking care of yourself can be difficult for many reasons, such as feeling burned out, worrying, experiencing negative thoughts, anger, everyday life stressors, and indecision (Kvols, 1998). Approaching self-care as “just one more thing I have to do” versus as an intentional practice that brings you joy and relief, and can help while overcoming anxiety, can also be challenging. Self-care doesn’t necessarily mean an hour-long massage once a month (although that sure would be nice!). Self-care is a form of individual therapy — something that benefits you both in the present moment and in the long term. Binge-watching a Netflix show all night might be fun at the time, but when you wake up in the morning, you’ll probably feel groggy and irritable. So, that moment of “self-care” last night has now made the next day much more difficult.
One technique our counseling center recommends — that can begin to assist mothers and expectant mothers with self-care — is to ask yourself, “What is the hardest part of my day?” and then problem solve around that. For example, if the morning routine causes you the most stress, what can be done to make it less stressful? What would help with overcoming anxiety? Pre-packing lunches, delegating responsibilities, picking out clothes the night before? Ask yourself, “What do I need?”
Another individual therapy technique I like to use is called GRAPES, a common acronym in the psychology world, which can be helpful in treating depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and many other symptoms. GRAPES stands for Gentleness, Relaxation, Accomplishment, Pleasure, Exercise, and Social. Below are some examples of each:
Gentleness: How are you talking to yourself? Pay attention to your self-talk and meet yourself with compassion. Use a loving tone of voice toward yourself.
Relaxation: Intentionally take a few minutes to engage in a relaxing activity. Listen to soothing music, practice meditation or deep breathing, read a book.
Accomplishment: Mark something off that to-do list or, more importantly, give yourself credit for everything you’re doing! You washed the dishes? Great! You took a nap because you were feeling run down instead of continuing to push yourself? Fantastic!
Pleasure: Use your five senses to notice things that feel good. Smell some flowers, feel the softness of your blanket, play your favorite song.
Exercise: Focus on moving your body; this doesn’t have to be an intense workout. Take a walk, do some stretches, dance with your children.
Social: Interact with someone who brings you joy. Call or FaceTime a friend or family member.
The great thing about our counseling center’s GRAPES technique is that you can combine multiple elements into a single activity. For example, make dinner while listening to soothing music (R and A). Take a walk with a friend (E and S). Read a book while drinking your favorite coffee (R and P). GRAPES can be helpful in teaching mothers how to be mindful and intentional about taking care of yourself. You might already be doing many of these things without noticing. If you can’t do an entire GRAPES every day, that’s also okay; you’re trying, and you’re showing up for yourself. Be gentle with yourself on this journey of individual therapy and self-care!
My hope for you is that over time, self-care and overcoming anxiety becomes part of your daily life and eases some of the negative thoughts and uncomfortable emotions you might be feeling — all so you can experience more joy. Self-care won’t take away life stressors, but it will make them easier to cope with and to problem solve around, because you’ve learned to put on your oxygen mask first.
Resources
Cogtoolz. GRAPES Tool. https://www.cogtoolz.com/pages/grapes-tool
Kvols, K.J. (1998). Redirecting children’s behavior (3rd ed.). Parenting Press.
