Feeling Disconnected From Your Partner? Let’s Get You Hooked Back Up!

We’ve all done it. You start dating someone, and in the beginning, you hang onto their every word, spend inordinate amounts of time together wanting to learn every last detail about them, rearrange your day just to carve out a little more time to spend with them, text constantly to make sure they know you’re thinking about them, perform thoughtful gestures to make sure they know you’re interested, intrigued, and smitten. In the beginning, you are most considerate and attentive to your partner and most concerned with how to please them. We call this the “honeymoon period.” 

What happens when that honeymoon period has died down, that fresh excitement has diminished, and that level of intentional care seems to have vanished for both of you? 

Suddenly, our lives and our relationship go into “autopilot.” We get into a groove, a sort of set routine, where we come to expect the same things day-to-day. You have your responsibilities and your partner has theirs. You go about your day in a parallel fashion but have lost that true connection you seemed to have in the early days. 

Why does this happen? LIFE! We get busy. We become less intentional (and sometimes less interested). We take our partners for granted, and think they will always be there and always take care of their responsibilities. Remember how amazing it felt in the early days when your partner filled your tank with gas so you didn’t have to stop on the way to work? Now, after years, this has become the norm and you don’t even notice. The same actions that once made you swoon have lost their significance, because you have come to expect them, or, worse yet, you and your partner have stopped doing them altogether. 

When this happens, when life gets stale, we start to feel disconnected from our significant other. We begin to feel like cohabitating roomies rather than emotionally and physically connected partners in life. So, what can we do to change this? What can we do to get some of that connection and spark back from the “good ole days”? What can we do to breathe life into our relationship again? Here are some ideas:

Invest in your emotional bank account

Just as with a financial bank account, an emotional bank account has a running balance of deposits (investments) or withdrawals (debts). Successful relationships have what Dr. John Gottman, world-renowned couples therapy guru and researcher, refers to as a “Magic 5:1 Ratio.” This means that for every one negative interaction or behavior, we must have five positive interactions or behaviors with our partner. In other words, in our minds, one negative interaction can emotionally carry the weight of five positive interactions. As a result, we need to make sure we stock up on positive interactions so the occasional negative ones don’t tip the scales toward relationship bankruptcy. 

So, how do we increase the positive deposits in our emotional bank account? How do we increase our daily investments in order to decrease the impact of withdrawals? This can be accomplished in a number of ways, such as random displays of affection, intentional time invested in your partner, doing small things to make your partner’s life easier or to reduce some of their stress, complimenting one another. Doing these types of things will not only make you feel connected with your person, but they will also provide a sort of safety cushion for when times are tough or when your relationship is having a bad day. 

Understand one another’s love maps

Dr. Gottman’s research shows the determining factor in whether a person feels satisfied with the sex, romance, connection, and passion in their relationship is the quality of their friendship with their partner. His term for getting to know your partner is coined “Building Love Maps.” What this means is that you should have a comprehensive “map” of who your partner is, what they have experienced, what they love, what they dream of, and how life’s experiences have shaped them. 

When a relationship starts, your partner hands you a basic, black-and-white roadmap. Your job throughout your lifetime together is to fill in all the details and gaps that will turn that basic map into a Google Earth-worthy map with all the landmarks and vivid colors of their existence. 

Love maps change over time, and inevitably, your partner has changed since the beginning of your relationship. So, spend time getting to know your partner right now, today, as they are currently. What do they love to do? What is their favorite song? What is on their bucket list? What are the current stresses in their life? Who is the person that is annoying them the most at work right now? What is their favorite gas station snack? What are the trials of their past and their biggest dreams for the future? Creating a habit of getting to know each other continuously and regularly will do wonders for your relationship as it progresses through the years. 

Want to learn more about the Gottman Relational Therapy Method? Visit our Couples Counseling Page!

Build a culture of respect and appreciation

Research shows that happy couples constantly scan their environment for ways in which to show their partner appreciation. They catch each other in the act of doing something good, kind, or thoughtful and make sure to express their appreciation. They demonstrate this appreciation throughout the day to communicate their love and affection. 

Did your partner choose to put their dirty socks in the hamper instead of leaving them on the floor next to the bed? Did your partner pick up your favorite ice cream on their way home when they knew you had a bad day at work? Tell them how much it means to you–not only that they are thinking about your happiness but that they went out of their way to do something to make your life easier or less stressful. Your partner will feel validated when you take the time to notice and appreciate the small things they do to show their affection or to make you happy. 

Who doesn’t love to feel appreciated? Feelings of being appreciated go a long way in helping partners feel connected with one another.

Initiate affection

What is that old Alison Krauss song lyric? “You say it best when you say nothing at all.” 

Although verbally expressing your love, appreciation, and respect is important, initiating physical affection is also important. Although a lot of people equate physical affection with sex, this is about the regular, everyday physical displays of affection that occur outside the bedroom. It’s holding hands while you watch a movie together on the couch, the touch on the small of the back as your partner passes by, the playful smack on the butt while cooking in the kitchen, the hand on the thigh while riding in the car together. 

Touch is very powerful when trying to reconnect with your partner. It is a wordless expression of gratitude, attraction, connection, and love.

Turn off the tech!

We live in a digital age that is killing our relationships with the people who are immediately around us. Think about it. If you spend two hours of your day on social media or video games, that is 730 hours per year. If you spend 16 hours awake a day, that is 45.6 days of your year that you are not engaged with people around you, including your spouse. A MONTH AND A HALF worth of waking hours! 

Think about what your relationship would be like if you took that same amount of time and invested it in your partner and connecting with them instead. What kind of change would that produce in your relationship? Instead of scrolling through your phone, playing Xbox, or binge-watching the latest season of The Walking Dead on Netflix, turn off the gadgets, computers, and TVs, and spend quality time with your partner instead. 

Sit by the fire pit in the backyard and discuss your day. Cook dinner together and then play a competitive game of Rummy at the kitchen table afterward. Put on your favorite playlist while you sit and fold the laundry together and just talk about random things! It doesn’t matter what you do together as long as you ditch all the technology distractions that suck us in and truly engage with the presence of your person. 

Consider couples counseling

If all these ideas fail, or if you feel like you need a third party to help you navigate how to reconnect when you are feeling disconnected from your partner, consider trying couples counseling. If that sounds intimidating or you are afraid this would make your relationship seem like it is in trouble, then think of couples counseling as an educational tool, not a crisis-management tool. 

When we want to learn to do something better, what do we do? We often consult with people who know more about it than we do, who may have tips and tricks for how we can improve. Do you want to improve your golf swing? You consult with a golf pro. Do you want to improve your relationship? Consult with a couples therapist. Clarity Counseling Center in Wilmington has a number of couples therapists who would love nothing more than to see you reconnected with your partner and reinvested in your relationship. Learn more about couples counseling, check out our Therapist Directory or contact us today to get started.

 

References

• Dollard, C. (2017, September 13.) Invest in your relationship: The emotional bank account. The Gottman Institute.https://www.gottman.com/blog/invest-relationship-emotional-bank-account/ 
• Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Random House/Crown/Harmony.