Becoming the Designer of Your Life

There is not a single person in the world who doesn’t experience change. In fact, humans aren’t the only beings that undergo transition. From the smallest insect to the largest mountain, all things on this planet change. Sometimes these changes are life-altering, other times barely noticeable. Either way, the process is inevitable. It’s how we view a transition that determines how we navigate it.

When we’re faced with a detour in our lives, we often get lost in the details and the “what ifs.” We may become awash with worry or try to control what is happening around us, only to find ourselves exhausted, frustrated, and anxious. What if, instead, we saw the transition to something else—welcome or not—as an opportunity? For example, we might try out a new skill or thought process our therapist has encouraged us to practice. Or perhaps we will grow and evolve in ways we never imagined.

Change vs. Transition

Before continuing, let us clarify the concepts “change” and “transition,” which are related but distinct. Change is external, surface level, and tangible. It is more about the “doing.” Transition, on the other hand, is internal, less visible, slower, and elusive. It is the “being” in any situation.

Example:

• If someone is trying to quit smoking, the change occurs when s/he puts down the cigarettes once and for all. This is external and behavioral.

• The transition happens on the inside: fighting cravings, rethinking the relationship with a substance one has depended on, improving physical health, developing different habits, etc.

We can illustrate the difference between change and transition in nature as well. Think of a seed growing into a plant, or a river cutting its way through a mountain. What we see is the end result, the change; what we do not see is how the change came about, the forces behind the transition.

How to Determine if a Change Is Necessary

Start by asking yourself some simple (or not so simple) questions:

1. What is it that I envision for my life/relationship/environment/this situation?

Answer not from the social-media appearance of how you want things to be, but rather from the real life, in-depth, best version of what you can imagine.

2. Does this support the life I am trying to create or who I am trying to be?

Learning to discern what serves you or no longer serves you is a vital skill in designing the life you desire.

3. How is this situation challenging me to grow and transition?

If you view the situation as an opportunity, it will ultimately unfold in this way.

Change and transition can feel uncomfortable at times, despite our best efforts to view them as growth opportunities. Even people who appear very capable of handling change have their moments of doubt. If you are wanting and needing something different, then you will have to go through the discomfort of change to experience the full benefit of the transition. Avoiding, negotiating, withdrawing, overdoing, perfecting, and trying to control are all tactics to avoid the discomfort and anxiety associated with transition.

What Does It Mean to Design Your Life?

Once you are better versed in the ability to embrace transition, you become the designer of your life. You no longer fear the changes you’ve been dreading. You approach these times of discomfort head on, because you have learned through experience that the long-term benefit outweighs the risk. You realize that avoiding change and remaining in the same place is counterproductive to the way you envision your life or a given situation.

In order to design the life you want and deserve, you must go to the place where you face changes and transitions, because this is where opportunities for growth reside. You can choose to fight against change, in which case you will find yourself frustrated and struggling, or you can choose to design your life by embracing it.

References

Bridges, W. & Bridges, S.M. (2016). Managing transitions: making the most of change (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Da Capo Lifelong Books.

Schlossberg, N. K. (2011). The challenge of change: the transition model and its applications. Journal of Employment Counseling, 48(4), 159-162. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2161-1920.2011.tb01102.x