Are You in a Relationship with your Phone?

Many times couples present with the complaint that one (or both) partner spends too much time on his/her phone and, as a result, does not give the other sufficient time or attention. In our ever-evolving, tech-savvy, overly connected world, this has become a problem in many people’s lives, whether they are in a relationship or not.

Below are some staggering statistics reported by Marriage365 (Caston, M., 2019), a non-profit organization that provides practical tools and resources to help couples connection.

• The average person spends approximately 5 hours a day on their phone.

• 10% of couples admit that they have looked at their phone during foreplay and/or sex.

• On average, we check our phones 47-59 times a day.

• 85% of people check their phone while speaking to their friends and family.

Long-term abuse of phones and electronics has been linked to anxiety, depression, loss of relationships, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and many other physical and psychological effects.

Why does it matter if you check your Facebook, Instagram, email, games, etc. when you are with your partner?

The short answer is that it creates a disconnect and a rejection in a relationship. If your partner is seeking attention or affection and you continue to look at your phone, the message that person gets is, “You’re not as important as this right now” or “You’re not as worthy of my time.” Think about this: If you are standing in front of your boss attempting to discuss a pressing issue and they have their phone in their hand the whole time, how does that make you feel?

Regarding cell-phone use, Psychology Today reported the following regarding rejection:

Rejections, even small ones, tend to be extremely painful, as your brain responds the same way it does to physical pain. Even mini-rejections, such as a partner turning to the phone in the middle of a conversation, can elicit the common reactions rejections cause—hurt feelings, a drop in mood and self-esteem, and a surge of anger and resentment. Over time, these small wounds can fester and increase conflict, lower relationship satisfaction, and lead to a drop in life satisfaction and an increase in symptoms of depression. (Winch, G., 2015)

So, what do we do about it?

Here are 5 tips for setting healthy limits on electronic devices:

1. Set mealtimes as a no-electronic space. Use this time for connection and conversation.

2. Turn off as many “push notifications” as possible.

3. Don’t bring your phone to bed with you.

4. Take apps designed to distract and entice you off your phone.

5. Make and keep a schedule for your phone app use.

Although these things may be difficult at first, most people find that after this new behavior is established, they feel happier and more connected to the people around them. Make these changes along with your partner. By doing this, you will both have the opportunity to support and hold one another accountable during the transition and beyond.

References

Caston, M. (2019, September 23). Spend less time on your phone with these 7 tips. Marriage365.org. https://www.marriage365.org/blog/spend-less-time-on-your-phone-with-these-7-tips

Winch, G. (2015, January 13). How cellphone use can disconnect your relationship. Psychology Today.com. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201501/how-cellphone-use-can-disconnect-your-relationship?collection=169220