Boundaries: Why They Matter and How to Set Them
by Emily Rowe
“‘No’ is a complete sentence.” – Anne Lamott
We are social creatures. Connecting with friends, family, co-workers, and even strangers is a crucial element of what it means to live “the human experience.” However, given our natural tendency to foster ongoing connections with other people, we are bound to find ourselves in relationships that feel unequal, push our personal limits, demand too much time, or otherwise do not align with our personal needs.
Various factors can cause us to struggle with balancing someone else’s needs with our own. We might have learned as a child that we are “difficult” if we speak up for ourselves; been punished in the past for saying no or making requests; or we may experience anxiety or guilt when we feel we have let others down (Cloud & Townsend, 1992). A crucial aspect of self-care is to establish and maintain interpersonal boundaries that serve our best interests while considering the other person’s needs as well. This can be a tricky balance to strike, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor.
Why Set Boundaries?
Developing healthy boundaries between different roles in our life (i.e., as an employee, partner, parent, friend) is associated with an increased sense of well-being, and ineffective boundaries are shown to decrease quality of life in various domains (Becker, Belkin, & Tuskey, 2018). Because nearly everything we do involves relationships with other people, we benefit from checking our current boundaries to determine if they are working for us and then figure out exactly which changes are needed to make the relationship work.
Lack of effective boundaries can look like:
- Anxiety and stress
- Feeling responsible for others
- Fear of saying no
- Fear of being judged, rejected, or abandoned
- Feeling tired constantly, overexerting yourself
- Low self-esteem
- Ignoring your gut feelings
- Feeling resentful or using passive-aggressive communication
Setting or changing boundaries can be a challenge, especially if the people in your life are used to your current, less effective ones. While other people’s violation of your personal needs is frustrating and exhausting, it’s important to acknowledge that it’s entirely possible they are simply unaware of your needs.
Setting boundaries is a balancing act centered around self-reflection and clear, mindful communication. It is important to refrain from trying to immediately “purge” people or groups from your life before you get the opportunity to communicate your needs and see if they are willing to understand and respond appropriately. Many times, the boundary you need with another person has to do with a behavior, or a set of behaviors, rather than the person as a whole (Brown, 2010). However, if someone continues to disrespect or invalidate your boundaries after you’ve clearly communicated them, then it may be time to consider ending or distancing the relationship.
Important Note: If abuse is present in any relationship, it is valid to immediately end the relationship and seek help to stay safe. Please see the end of this post for resources.
Tools For Setting Boundaries
Boundary setting is not a simple, one-size-fits-all process, and talking with a mental health provider can be a crucial resource for determining your needs, communicating them effectively, and receiving support along the way. However, practicing clearly communicating your needs can happen in a variety of contexts. A quick, evidence-based tool to communicate a request is referred to as a DEARMAN, which is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) interpersonal effectiveness skill (Linehan, 2014). Each of the letters in DEARMAN stands for an aspect of the skill, with D.E.A.R. being the order of communicating the request and M.A.N. being the way in which you communicate it.
The following is an example of using DEARMAN to set a boundary with a family member:
D escribe the situation
Ex: “I’ve noticed that you’ve asked me three or four times in the past month when I would be having children with my partner, and you’ve made some remarks to my friends about how you want me to give you grandchildren soon.”
E xpress your feelings about the situation
Ex: “It makes me feel uncomfortable, put on the spot, and self-conscious when you bring this up to me and to my friends. It hurts to feel like I’m letting you down.”
A ssert your wishes
Ex: “ I would appreciate it if you’d stop asking me about my plans to have children or not and if you’d refrain from making comments about it to my friends.”
R einforce the other person
Ex: “I know you love me and mean no harm in the comments you’ve made, and I want to be open and honest about this so we can maintain a healthy, loving relationship.”
And while you’re having this conversation, remember to…
Be M indful of your goals
If the person you are speaking to makes a personal attack or brings up something you have done to bother them, you could bring the topic back to your boundary by saying something like, “I understand I’ve also done some things in the past that have bothered you, and I am willing to talk those out after this or at a different time, but I would like to address the comments about me having children right now.”
A ppear confident
Maintain eye contact, speak firmly, stand up straight. Even if you feel nervous or uncomfortable, do your best to communicate confidence in your boundary.
Be willing to N egotiate (if needed)
Ex: “I understand that you are used to making these comments and appreciate your willingness to work on it. How about this: If I notice you make a comment that makes me uncomfortable, I can let you know in the moment and remind you of the boundary while you get used to changing your behavior?”
Using a DEARMAN is one of several strategies you can implement to start communicating boundaries that help you enjoy your relationships more and stress less. It makes sense to feel uncomfortable about setting boundaries if you aren’t used to it. The more you practice setting boundaries, the more comfortable you will get with it, and the more you will notice the benefits of balanced relationships that help you feel respected and valued. Prioritizing boundaries is the backbone of allowing yourself space to engage in effective self-care and balance all your roles without sacrificing yourself.
Resources if you or a loved one are experiencing interpersonal abuse:
- Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
- Crisis Hotline: Text HELLO to 741741
- National Dating Abuse Hotline: 1-866-331-9474
- The Anti-Violence Project Hotline: 1-212-714-1124
- National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
References
- Becker, W. J., Belkin, L., & Tuskey, S. (2018). Killing me softly: Electronic communications monitoring and employee and spouse well-being. Academy of Management.
- Brown, B. (2010). Gifts of imperfection, Hazelden Information & Educational Services.
- Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (1992). Boundaries: When to say yes, when to say no to take control of your life. Zondervan.
- Linehan, M., M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
