Letting Go

Why is it so hard to let go?

I hear this over and over with clients, many of whom come to therapy because they are experiencing panic episodes or racing thoughts, having difficulty getting out of bed, avoiding friends or family. Once we explore this, I often find people are holding on desperately to negative people, places, and things in their lives: an ex-partner or one who won’t commit, a toxic relationship or job, unhealthy friendships. Living in this manner creates a stress cycle, which can cause anxiety and depression symptoms.

Why do we torture ourselves?

Fear of being alone, fear of regret, trauma bonding, replaying past trauma, feeling too old to start over, worrying about what other people think, perfectionism, harboring ugly beliefs about ourselves: I’m too old, too heavy, not smart enough, not pretty or handsome… The personal insults are endless.

I often shared with my clients this quote by renowned psychotherapist Fritz Perls: “The only way out is through.” What this means is that you must get comfortable with being uncomfortable, and move forward creating a new normal. This is where healing begins and transformation takes place. It may sound scary, but you must leave some part of yourself behind and trust in yourself in order to become a new, healthier version of yourself.

Here are 5 methods I have found helpful in the process of letting go:

1) Detach

If your nervous system is activated as soon as you see a particular name on your phone, then it is probably best to detach from that person. Consider your interactions with this individual: calls, emails, texts. Delay your responses or don’t respond at all. If you do choose to respond, keep it short, simple, and to the point. Stop stalking them on social media. If you can’t go cold turkey with this, then whenever the urge arises, delay, set a timer for 10 minutes to see if you can allow it to pass.

2) Work on your inner/core beliefs

Where do these negative thoughts originate from? Was there a family member, friend, teacher, or partner who criticized your weight, academic weaknesses, physical attributes? Once you figure it out, challenge each of these beliefs. Look at yourself in the mirror and face your fears, question the validity of these ideas. Ask yourself, “What will happen if I let this go?”

3) Gain some knowledge

Listen to podcasts or read self-help books on the subject. Below are some of my favorites.

Podcasts

Therapy Thoughts

Worthy

Mental Health News Radio

Jill Sherer Murray

Breaking Free: A Modern Divorce Podcast

Books

Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

The Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris

Getting Past Your Breakup, by Susan J. Elliott

Getting Back Out There, by Susan J. Elliott

4) Journal

Buy yourself a notebook or use your phone. Commit to daily entries. Instead of focusing on what isn’t going well, what you did wrong, or how you have been wronged, ask yourself what it is you want right now, how you are going to show up for yourself. List 5 things you are proud of yourself for, 3 ways you have grown through this process. Be intentional.

5) Show yourself some compassion

You are human. You deserve some grace. It’s okay not being okay. Give yourself what you need.

Letting go is a process. Honor your plan to let go and move forward! Show up and love yourself. Ask a therapist to help you explore and guide you through this process. You can do this.