Coping with Loss
Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. It’s the accumulation of varying emotions we feel when someone or something we care about is taken from us. The emotions associated with grief can be unpredictable and messy. Grief can’t be neatly organized into formatted stages of emotional response, as is commonly misinterpreted from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous “stages of grief” model.1 And though you’re likely to experience some, if not all, the psychological responses outlined by Ross–denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance–it’s unlikely you’ll experience them in a linear timeline, one after another. While there is no standard “right” way to grieve, there are things you can do (or not do) to help you cope with the pain of your loss and to heal from it.
DO engage in self-care. Grief is hard. One of the most important things you can do is to be compassionate and kind to yourself. Make sure you attend to both your physical and emotional needs. Adequate sleep, nutrition, and exercise are key components to healing both your mind and body. Studies have found grief can have real physiological consequences, making it even more important to maintain your physical health in the aftermath of a loss. One study found that grief can weaken the immune system in older adults, leaving them more vulnerable to illness and infection.2
DON’T avoid your feelings. Grief tends to come in waves, which can often be monstrous. It makes sense that people often try to avoid feeling the pain of it. They might use distraction, avoiding things that remind them of their loved one, or doing just about anything that keeps them from having to think about the loss. Though shutting out grief may work in the short term, those feelings will eventually find an opening, and it might not be in a way we like. As unpleasant as it may be, feeling your grief is a necessary step in the healing process. Do yourself a favor and give yourself the time and space to feel it. Your future self will thank you.
DO give your grief an outlet. The recipient may be a punching bag or a paintbrush on canvas, but one way or another, your grief needs a place to go, to be expressed. Grief is an emotion like any other; think of it as energy flowing through you that needs to be harnessed. Rather than bottling up that energy inside and allowing it to weigh you down, give it a purpose. Art, music, and physical activity are great outlets for grief. Find something that interests you and give it a shot.
DON’T judge your grief. Whether you’ve suffered the loss of your spouse, parent, or dog, and whether you feel sad, angry, or numb, your emotions are real and they are valid. Every loss is unique, and there is no wrong or right way to grieve. So, don’t get caught up in telling yourself how you should or shouldn’t feel. Be careful not to judge yourself or your grief, and don’t compare it to how others experience it: everybody grieves differently.
DO give yourself grief breaks. Just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean you have to feel sad ALL the time. You still deserve to experience enjoyment and happiness in your life. Feeling happy does not mean that you’ve forgotten about the one you’ve lost. In fact, it can actually be a way of honoring the loss by finding meaning in it and in life. When the weight of grief starts to lift a little, embrace it; your ability to feel happy is in no way connected to how much you miss the one you’ve lost and does not change the love and connection you have to them.
DON’T isolate yourself. When overwhelming sadness takes hold, it can be tempting to curl up in bed and avoid the outside world. You may feel like others won’t understand, or you don’t want to burden them, but it’s important not to isolate yourself from friends, family, and the people that care about you. Don’t be afraid to utilize your support system, whether it’s by talking to a friend about your loss, joining a support group, or just spending time doing something social you enjoy. Grief is not something you have to experience alone.
DO create ways to find meaning. Loss has a way of reminding us of what is really important. Find meaning in the loss by reflecting on those things and moving toward them. This could mean reconnecting with an old friend, volunteering for a charity or cause close to your heart, or spending more time with your children.
DON’T make major life decisions (yet). Though some decisions can’t be put off following a death or other loss, such as those involving funeral/memorial services or time-sensitive legal and financial matters, the immediate weeks and months following a major loss is not the best time to be making major changes or life-altering decisions. The intense emotions felt following a loss can cloud judgment, so pause and give yourself some time before you decide to do things like quit your job, leave your relationship, or move to a new city.
DO find ways to connect. Even though someone may no longer be with us in the physical world, the bond we have with them does not simply disappear. The relationship continues long after they’re gone; it just changes. Learning to incorporate this new connection into your life moving forward is an important part of your healing. And while you’ll never truly “get over” the death or loss of a loved one, you can learn to assimilate it into your life by making it part of your life story. It is helpful to find ways to keep their memory alive in a positive way. For example, engage in activities that you and your loved one used to do together, listen to music they liked, write a letter to them, or even talk to them out loud every now and then.
DON’T rush it. People often wonder, how long is this going to last? Shouldn’t I be over this by now? Grief has no timeline, and every person experiences loss differently. Be patient. Grief itself is not a permanent state of being, so remind yourself that things WILL get better. And if you start to feel better only to feel worse again, then better, then a little worse, this is completely normal. Ride the waves of grief as best you can until they subside and pass.
DO recognize when to seek professional help. In some cases, normal grief can develop into a more persistent problem like complicated grief or depression. Though not prerequisites, this is more likely if the loss you’ve experienced was sudden or traumatic, if there’s uncertainty surrounding the loss, or if you have a history of mental health issues.3 If you observe that the pain of grief is severe and constant, isn’t easing over time (or is getting worse), or is starting to impact your day-to-day functioning, it may be time to talk to your doctor and seek professional help through counseling. Don’t feel like you have to just suffer through it. You deserve to heal, find peace, and be happy again.
References
1 Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. New York, NY: Scribner.
2 Vitlic, A., Khanfer, R., Lord, J.M. et al. Bereavement reduces neutrophil oxidative burst only in older adults: role of the HPA axis and immune senescence. Immun Ageing 11, 13 (2014) doi:10.1186/1742-4933-11-13
3 Mayo Clinic. (2017, Oct 05). Complicated grief. Retrieved from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374
